Midgarian Soccer
by Rabid Ostrich
Summary: The soccer match of the century! AVALANCHE and the Shinra Inc. go head to head in this heated match!


  
Rabid Ostrich: Hello and welcome! It is a beautiful day here at Midgar Field. Today's game is the all-powerful Shinra Inc. against the famous resistance group, AVALANCHE! All deceased players have been resurrected in order to play compliments of The Lifestream. Our reporter, Rabid Goldfish, has gone down onto the field to speak with our players. Goldfish?  
  
Rabid Goldfish: I'm here with Jessie from AVALANCHE. Jessie, what are your thoughts on today's game?  
  
Jessie: Well, first, I would like to thank the Lifestream. Very thoughtful of it to bring us back on such short notice. I personally think we are going to kick their asses halfway across the western continent and with Wedge in goal, they aren't even going to get one point!  
  
Rabid Goldfish: You sound pretty confident.  
  
Jessie: You bet your wet sponges I am!  
  
Rabid Goldfish: …  
  
Jessie: What?  
  
Rabid Goldfish: Nothing…back to you Ostrich!  
  
Rabid Ostrich: Thank you Goldfish. While he is talking to the other players, we'll give you the lineup for the first half.  
  
For AVALANCHE, the visiting team, we have:  
  
Goalie = Wedge  
Defense = Jessie (right wing), Barret (center), Cloud (left wing)  
MidField = Aeris (right wing), Yuffie (sweeper), Biggs (stopper), Cait Sith (left wing)  
Forward = Tifa (right wing), Vincent (center), Nanaki (left wing)  
  
Subs = Cid, Zack  
  
And for the home team, Shinra:  
  
Goalie = Palmer  
Defense = Scarlet (right wing), Elena (center), Jenova (left wing)  
Midfield = President Shinra (right wing), Tseng (center), Rude (sweeper), Hojo (left wing)  
Forward = Rufus (right wing), Reno (center), Sephiroth (left wing)  
  
Subs = Mayor Domino, Heidegger  
  
Rabid Ostrich: The game starts in 30 minutes. Let's go back to Rabid Goldfish who is down on the field. Goldfish?  
  
Rabid Goldfish: Hi! I'm here with Palmer from Shinra. Palmer, what are your thoughts on today's game?  
  
Palmer: Hey hey! We're gonna win! I'm goalie, see? I'm going to be the best goalie ever! ::Sniff:: Oh, oooh! They're serving doughnuts! Oh, lard flavored! ::runs off to the doughnut tray that they just brought out for the Shinra team members::  
  
Rabid Goldfish: …o-kay. Oh, there's Sephiroth! Seph, can I have a word with you?  
  
Sephiroth: Don't call me 'Seph'…and yes, I suppose.  
  
Rabid Goldfish: Okay, what are your thoughts for the game?  
  
Sephiroth: I have better things to be doing than playing this juvenile game they call 'soccer', but since I am getting paid handsomely by that old fart over there… ::Gestures to President Shinra:: I suppose I'll participate.  
  
Rabid Goldfish: Okay! Thank you Seph!  
  
Sephiroth: Call me that again and I'm throwing you on the skillet…  
  
Rabid Goldfish: ::sweatdrop:: …back to you Ostrich…  
  
Rabid Ostrich: Thank you Goldfish. The players are now getting ready to begin. All participants are taking their positions. Reeve will referee today's game and the sponsors are:  
  
Tea Companions, the leading in tea flavoring. Now in lard flavor!  
  
The Lifestream, coming to a morgue near you!  
  
And by…  
  
Loveless, the movie  
  
Rabid Ostrich: And now, down to the field!  
  
Reeve: Listen up! There will be no weapons allowed in the game. That means you Sephiroth, put the sword down.  
  
Sephiroth: ::Grumbling, goes to the sidelines and puts his masume down then comes back::  
  
Reeve: You know the rules, no biting, scratching, tackling…and no bribing… ::Glares at Rufus who is waving a $100 bill in his face:: Now, Let's get it on! ::Blows the whistle::  
  
Reno: ::Passes the ball to Rufus and they start down the field::  
  
Cait Sith: ::Sees Rufus with the ball and goes at him from the side::  
  
Rufus: Get away from me you tub of stuffing…  
  
Cait: HEY! ::Pushes Rufus with his mog's shoulder::  
  
Rufus: That's against the rules! Reeve!  
  
Reeve: No, no, that is perfectly legal.  
  
Rufus: That's only because you are on their side.  
  
Reeve: Quit whining, and I'm not on their side.  
  
Rufus: Yeah right, that IS your robot, isn't it… ::Dribbles the ball around Cait and passes it to Reno::  
  
Reeve: …  
  
Aeris: Oh, goodness! ::Jogs up to Reno, who pushes past her:: EEEK! My HAIR!  
  
Jessie: ::Back near the goal:: That's not the way to do it! ::Runs up to Reno, and kicks the ball upfield to the awaiting forwards:: Jeez Aeris…  
  
Vincent: ::Receives the ball and dribbles it upfield::  
  
Scarlet: ::Does her makeup:: Hmm…this blue or this blue? ::Looks at her eyeshadow colors::  
  
Elena: Umm…Ms. Scarlet?  
  
Scarlet: ::snaps:: CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?!  
  
Elena: …  
  
Buganhagen: ::From the AVALANCHE sidelines:: …hmm… ::Chants some spell::  
  
Scarlet: ::Hands turn to fins and she drops her makeup:: EEK! I'm being fishified!  
  
Palmer: Fish?! Where?!  
  
Scarlet: Noooo… ::Turns into a fish, completely::  
  
Palmer: Ooh! ::runs out from the goal to Scarlet, who is now flopping helplessly on the ground:: Fish! ::Eats Scarlet::  
  
Vincent: ::Dribbles past the midfielders and the preoccupied defense and goalie, and shoots a goal::  
  
Rabid Ostrich: And a goal for AVALANCHE! Looks like one of the players on the Shinra side is down. Heidegger will be taking the place of Scarlet. The score is now 1-0 AVALANCHE with 15 minutes left on the clock for the first half.  
  
~Players resume their positions. Reno starts off with the ball again and passes it to Sephiroth~  
  
Sephiroth: ::Gets mobbed by the midfielders:: Out of my way, you feeble, feeble immortals!  
  
Hojo: Sephiroth, Drop!  
  
Sephiroth: ::Kicks the ball to Hojo::  
  
Nanaki: ::snarls and runs up to Hojo. He tries to get the ball away and accidentally pops the ball:: …  
  
Reeve: ::Blows his whistle:: Red! I said no weapons! That's a yellow card for you!  
  
Nanaki: But!  
  
Reeve: GO!  
  
Nanaki: ::Grumbling, retreats to the sidelines and sits down:: …  
  
Shera: ::From AVALANCHE sidelines:: Oh Reevey! ::Tosses a spare soccer ball to Reeve::  
  
Cid: ::goes in for Nanaki:: That's my Shera! Always prepared! ^.^  
  
Reeve: ::Looks at the ball:: It's good! Drop ball. Sephiroth, Cid…  
  
~They come up to Reeve, Reeve drops the ball and Cid kicks it to Tifa~  
  
Tifa: Whee! I got the ball!  
  
Jenova: ::Sits there::  
  
Elena: Jenova! It's yours!  
  
Jenova: ::sits there::  
  
Heidegger: Gyahahaha! She isn't going to get it!  
  
Elena: Well, okay, I'll get it! ::runs up to Tifa::  
  
Tifa: ::Easily evades:: Gotta try harder, Hun! ::Tries to shoot a goal, but the ball hits Palmer and it sticks in his lard:: …!  
  
Palmer: Heehee! That tickles!  
  
Reeve: Goal kick!  
  
Palmer: …huh?  
  
Reeve: Put the ball on the ground and kick it…  
  
Palmer: Oh! Hey Hey! I can do that! ::does so and it soars over to Biggs down at midfield::  
  
Biggs: Cool! I got it!  
  
President Shinra: **Pant, Pant, Wheeze** I'm…too…old…for…this…  
  
Biggs: Hey, ya dumb ass old guy! Try and get me! ::Dribbles the ball in circles around President Shinra:: HAHAHA!  
  
President Shinra: **Pant, Cough** Curse you…AVALANCHE! …Oh….oh…my heart! ::Clutches chest then falls to the ground::  
  
Biggs: …  
  
Rabid Ostrich: And it looks as if President Shinra has had a heart attack!  
  
~Medics rush onto the field with a stretcher, roll him onto it and carry him off of the field~  
  
Biggs: …  
  
Tseng: Sir! Oh, you're gonna pay for that! ::Rushes Biggs::  
  
Biggs: !!!  
  
Yuffie: Biggs! I'm open!  
  
Biggs: ::Passes it::  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
Wedge: Ooh! What a pretty blade of grass! ::Crouches then picks at the grass::  
  
Jessie: ::Standing back at defense:: Wedge, pay attention ::Watches the ball being passed back and forth::  
  
Wedge: But Jessie, isn't it pretty? ::Looks at the grass::  
  
Jessie: ::Sigh:: Very…  
  
Wedge: Lookie what I can do! ::Puts it between his thumbs, blows and it makes a squealing whistle:: Whee!  
  
Jessie: …  
  
Cloud: ::Twiddles thumbs:: Hoohum…  
  
~Back upfield~  
  
Yuffie: ::With ball:: Wow! This is, like, so much FUN!!  
  
Heidegger: Gyahahaha! I'll get it! ::Runs…er…waddles toward Yuffie::  
  
Yuffie: ::Is waving to her fans in the audience and not paying attention. She collides head-on with Heidegger::  
  
Heidegger: Silly, silly girl ::Takes the ball, unfazed::  
  
Yuffie: Ouchies.  
  
Heidegger: ::Dribbles the ball upfield::  
  
Biggs: ::tries to get the ball away, but gets bumped back by Heidegger's girth:: … ::Is dazed::  
  
Heidegger: Gyahahaha! ::Gets past midfield::  
  
Jessie: ::Tries to get the ball, but is knocked away by Heidegger's rubbery lard and onto Nanaki on the sidelines:: Ouch…  
  
Nanaki: You okay?  
  
Jessie: …  
  
Heidegger: I'M INVINCIBLE!  
  
Reeve: ::Looks at his watch and blows his whistle:: HALFTIME!  
  
Heidegger: ::About to kick a goal:: Hey!  
  
Reeve: Hay is for horses, it is halftime.  
  
~On the Shinra sidelines~  
  
Medic: CLEAR! ::Shocks the President with defibrillator paddles::  
  
President's body: ::Jumps, but vital signs remain non-existent::  
  
Medic: ::sighs and pulls the white sheet over President's head::  
  
~Mayor Domino brings out a tub of orange slices and everyone digs in~  
  
Palmer: ::Takes out his handy, dandy lard dip and dips his orange in it:: Mm! Mm! Good! ::Eats it whole::  
  
~On AVALANCHE sidelines~   
  
Buganhagan: Hoo HOO! You are all doing great! Barret, you take goalie, Tifa drop back to defense. Wedge, you take forward. Aeris, I'm subbing Zack for you.  
  
Aeris: Oh Zacky! ::Glomps him:: Good luck! ^.^  
  
Zack: …  
  
Rabid Ostrich: Halftime break is almost up. The players are returning to the field. The score is 1-0, with AVALANCHE leading.  
  
Reeve: ::Blows whistle and Reno passes the ball to Rufus::   
  
Rufus: Hey Fatty!  
  
Wedge: I'm not fat, I'm big boned.  
  
Rufus: Fatty fatty! ::Dribbles around him::  
  
Wedge: No! No! I'm not fat! ::Bursts into tears:: Waaaah! …::Sniff:: Oooh…what a pretty blade of grass…  
  
Zack: Cloud! Get ready!  
  
Cloud: ::Picks his nose:: Whaa?  
  
Barret: ::From in the goal:: He said get up there! Ya' spiky-headed dumb ass…  
  
Cloud: …hey!  
  
Zack: nevermind… ::Rushes Rufus::  
  
Rufus: ::chips the ball in Cloud's general direction to Sephiroth who is running behind Cloud::  
  
Cloud: ::Stares up at the clouds and gets hit in the face by the ball:: ACK! ::falls over and lies on the ground::  
  
Sephiroth: MINE! ::Takes the ball, and tramples Cloud in the process::  
  
Reeve: Foul!  
  
Rabid Ostrich: And a foul is called on Sephiroth!  
  
Jessie: ::Comes up to take the shot. She chips it far upfield where Cid takes it::  
  
Shera: ::From sidelines:: That's my Cid! ::Waves a flag with a picture of a cartoon Chibi-Cid on it::  
  
Elena: JENOVA!  
  
Jenova: ::sits there::  
  
Elena: ::sighs::  
  
Palmer: ::a red butterfly flies past:: Pretty butterfly! I always wondered if they tasted like butter or not. Seems like nowadays everything is made out of margarine. Even peanut butter is now peanut margarine! ::Catches the butterfly and eats it:: Nope, tastes like butter to me…  
  
Cid: Oh…gross… ::Takes a shot to the corner of the goal while Palmer is distracted::  
  
Reeve: GOAL!  
  
Rabid Ostrich: And another point for AVALANCHE! Shinra had better get their act together! Nineteen minutes remaining in the game!  
  
Reeve: ::give the ball to Reno again::  
  
Reno: I am tired of starting! ::Trades places with Rufus::  
  
Cid: Ay! They can't do that, @#%$# cheaters!  
  
Reeve: ..hmm…I'll allow it. ::Blows whistle::  
  
Rufus: ::Passes ball to Reno::  
  
Wedge: ::Drops the blade of grass and rushes Reno::  
  
Reno: EEEK! ::Cringes in terror::  
  
Wedge: …hey! That was easy! ::Takes the ball and passes it to Vincent::  
  
Vincent: ::Travels up toward the goal::  
  
Jenova: ::Shuffles over and plants herself in front of Vincent::  
  
Vincent: …? ::Moves to the left::  
  
Jenova: ::Shuffles over to block Vincent again::  
  
Vincent: Get out of my way! ::Goes to the right::  
  
Jenova: ::Shuffles over to the right::  
  
Vincent: ::Sighs:: Cid! ::Passes it to Cid ::  
  
Wedge: ::runs to the side of Jenova and Vincent and pulls out an old, crusty donut from his pocket:: Oh PAAALMER!  
  
Palmer: Ooo! Crustiness!  
  
Wedge: CID! Now's your chance! Palmer, I KNOW you want this…  
  
Palmer: …yeeesss… ::waddles up to the 18 yard line::  
  
Cid: Hehe…::Shoots another goal::  
  
Palmer: ::Snaps out of his trance:: HEY!  
  
Reeve: GOAL!  
  
Rabid Ostrich: Wow…that was and dirty trick. Legal though, I have no objections.  
  
Rabid Goldfish: You're just on AVALANCHE's side.  
  
Rabid Ostrich: And you're not?  
  
Rabid Goldfish: …I'm on their side.  
  
Rabid Ostrich: Then shush. 5 minutes left on the clock, the score is 3 to nothing with AVALANCHE in the lead.  
  
Rabid Goldfish: I'm going down to the field. See ya later.  
  
Rabid Ostrich: Can you bring me back a hotdog?  
  
Rabid Goldfish: Get it yourself.  
  
~Down on the field~  
  
Reeve: ::Blows the whistle::  
  
Rufus: ::Passes the ball to Sephiroth::  
  
Sephiroth: We can't lose, I won't allow it!  
  
Rufus: Shut up and play.  
  
Sephiroth: Why don't you take your own advice?  
  
Rufus: Don't back talk me!  
  
Sephiroth: I'll back talk you whenever I want ::Stops dribbling it::  
  
Rufus: …::Snarl:: you! ::Runs at him and starts batting at him like a sissy::  
  
~Sephiroth and Rufus begin to fight on the field~  
  
Cloud: …::Drool:: …oooh…pretty ball… ::Goes up and kicks it to midfield::  
  
Rabid Ostrich: 2 minutes left on the clock and AVALANCHE has the ball!  
  
Cait: ::Receives and kicks it up to Cid at forward::  
  
Rabid Ostrich: 9…8…7…6…  
  
Cid: Damn!  
  
Rabid Ostrich: 5…4…3…  
  
Palmer: Hey! Hey!  
  
Cid: ::shoots::  
  
Rabid Ostrich: 2…  
  
Palmer: Hey! He-AAAAH! ::Ducks::  
  
Reeve: GOAL!  
  
Rabid Ostrich: …1…game! AVALANCHE wins, three to nothing! Wow! What a game! We now go to Rabid Goldfish down on the field.  
  
Rabid Goldfish: Hola! I'm here with Barret from AVALANCHE. Barret, what is your opinion on your victory?  
  
Barret: I knew we 're gonna win. See, 'dem Shinra, they losers even in sports. They deserved to lose. Pansies…  
  
Rabid Goldfish: Isn't that being a poor winner?  
  
Barret: Ay, fish. Shut 'yer mouth.  
  
Rabid Goldfish: …okie…  
  
~Jessie walks up~  
  
Jessie: I told you we would win. You owe me some wet sponges…  
  
Rabid Goldfish: That does it…I'm out of here. You are all nuts ::gestures to the AVALANCHE dogpile::  
  
Jessie: And you aren't? You're a fish for cripes sake!  
  
Rabid Goldfish: Not just any fish…I'm a RABID fish. ::walks off toward Shinra::  
  
~Shinra's side of the field~  
  
Rufus: I can't believe it! We lost, and it was all because of YOU! ::Points at Sephiroth::  
  
Sephiroth: It wasn't me you wimp! You can't even HIT like a man let alone kick like one!  
  
Rufus: Oh yeah? ::Stomps on his foot::  
  
Sephiroth: OW! Mother!  
  
Jenova: ::Sits there::  
  
Rabid Goldfish: ::Walks up:: Hello Shinra. How do you feel about losing today's match?  
  
Rufus: Go away! Can't you see we're busy?!  
  
Rabid Goldfish: Oh, that SO does it. I quit… ::Walks off::  
  
Rabid Ostrich: Well, there you have it! This is Rabid Ostrich saying goodbye from Midgar field. Now...for that hotdog... ::heads off toward consession stands::  
  
----------------------------------  
  
((Rabid Ostrich's Notes: ::Walks back in from the field:: Well, that was interesting. That is a story I've been dying to write. It didn't come out as funny as I had hoped, more like a stupid bundle  
of mush. Then again, I'm always saying something bad about my stories. I do not own any of the FF7 cast, but Rabid Ostrich and Rabid Goldfish are MY characters. MINE! ::Tramples Sephiroth::))  
  
And now, for a list of terms:  
  
Yellow card: Something you get when you REALLY violate the rules. One of these kicks you out of the game. Three of these and you get a red card, that kicks you out for the entire season. I almost got a yellow card myself ::Evil grin::  
Stopper: A midfielder, but plays more defense.  
Sweeper: A midfielder, but plays more offense. Positioned directly in front of the stopper in the center of the field.  
Wing: The side of the field. Right wing has the far right of the field and Left wing has the far left of the field.  
Orange Slices: The traditional halftime snack.  
Goal kick: That is when the goalie kicks it after it goes out of bounds behind the goal  
18 yard line: The farthest the goalie can go out of the goal. Marked by a box with a halfcircle on the top line.  
  
That about covers it... 


End file.
